A Letter to My Grownup Kids

By now, we're already entrenched in all the Father's Day spirit going around. Well, our dads deserve all the love and recognition. 

But for me and my siblings, being proud of our Papa is an everyday thing. It's hard not to be, when you're raised by such a great man.

So for the last installment of my Dads Speak Up series, it is with great pride that I share this Dad's - my Papa's letter to his grown-up kids. 

My dear Labkids,

I am so thrilled that you are proud of me. That is every parent’s wish.

I always recall the days when we would only buy your shoes and clothes from the tiangge because I couldn’t afford the original ones. We did not have the money but you did not lack in taste. You chose the good-looking ones. It is amazing that three boys grew up to be good basketball players despite the ill-fitting imitation rubber shoes.

I love thinking of the days when I could only buy you decent toys when I came from a foreign business trip. They were few and far in between that’s why you cared for them with so much affection because you knew they were all hard-earned. I remember you had only 2 or 3 real Barbie Dolls while the rest were Divisoria posers. 

I remember the afternoon Kaye went up to me because her toy was broken. The look on her face showed how she trusted that I could fix it. My heart broke into a million pieces because I couldn’t make it work. And couldn’t even buy a new one.

Camille, I remember your delighted face when I gave you that puppet theater. I’m sorry the boys turned it into a pellet gun shooting gallery!

I always wondered how you felt as “children of a lesser god."  Did you resent me for that ? Did you wish your Papa had a little more money then ?

I didn’t really feel that you wished you were born in another place at another time to another set of parents.

We were happy when we played touch ball in the street or when we went to the public parks. I have home videos to prove we were a joyful family as you climbed the monkey bars, rocked the swing and rode on your low-end skateboards.

We all proved to ourselves that happy doesn’t always need money. Love beats money any day.

I think that’s a good lesson to learn now that you have the ability to earn your money.

Have some respect for money. You need to earn a good amount of it because it’s so hard to focus on your work if you worry about rent, food, clothes, medicines. Earn as much as you can because it’s not a bad thing to have abundance in life. But it should not be the measure of success. 

What should it be then? Achievement? Fame? Popularity? A permanent place in history? A house on the beach?

To all these questions, the answers are yes and no. These are all worthy pursuits but you should not be under pressure to chase them just because you want to impress your high school classmates or because somebody said they are the yardsticks of success.

All I’m saying is that you decide for yourself what will make you feel fulfilled and happy. You define your success. You know what? The biggest regret of people is not having lived the life they had really wanted. 

I have lived for more than fifty years. Some of my dreams have been fulfilled, some have dissipated. I have won many games and I have lost many battles. I have learned from so many experiences, people and books and now this is what I believe in: 

People are happier when they dedicate their lives to a good purpose and when their work makes a positive difference in people’s lives. 

 To be able to serve a good purpose, you must be equipped with a certain talent, something that you contribute to the world. (not necessarily the whole world. That may be too big a thing to cover.) Sometimes, those talents are called “gifts’ from God. You have to give them back to God by serving His people.

 So, you might remember what your Mama and I consistently told you in numerous retreat letters: develop your talents, be the best that you can be.

 Mama and I are grateful that you have all have developed your creative talents. Some of you may one day be the screenwriter or movie director that I did not become. (If we had the genes for math and chemistry, some of you should have become an engineer or a doctor. )

Now, let me take this opportunity to expound on becoming “the best that you can be.” We don’t just mean becoming the best writer, or digital expert, or artist. It’s about becoming “the best person” that you can be. In my book, that means becoming a kind, caring, honest, fair and brave person. 

Go as far as your talent can take you or as far as you want to go. But keep in mind there’s no gain in pushing yourself to the top if your children will end up not loving you or if you will cheat, rob and oppress people or even just irritate them with your conceit and all-knowing IQ.

I can see how you are all turning out to be persons your children can be proud of. Yes, that’s it! I believe every person’s goal is to live a life that can make their children proud of them. 

Go, have many children, and make them proud of you. 

Love, 

Papa

P.S.  Always be a well-mannered person on social media.

photo by Oakst Studios

Robert Labayen is an advertising and media executive, painter, songwriter, and a cool Papa to five kids age 25 and up (including me). To read more of his inspiring articles, visit www.robertlabayen.com

A Letter to My Teenage Daughter (Dads Speak Up Series post # 2)

Only a few days to go before Father's Day! 

For the first part of my Dads Speak Up series, we had a glimpse of the joys of fatherhood, as expressed by a new dad to his little girl (read about it here). But as much as we want to, our kids cannot be little forever. So for Part 2, it is with great pleasure that I share to you this dad's letter to his "Baby Girl" who just won't stop growing up. 

Warning: You might need tissues.  

 

My Dearest Amaris,

Many people think that Father’s Day is a day to honor fathers around the world.  In a big sense, that’s right:  being a father is no easy job.  It is so easy to become a dad – many young people found that out the hard way.

But being a Father – that’s tough.  One has to be strong yet gentle;  firm yet supple.  One must be able to bend without breaking.  All for the love of the ones we call our children.

Yes, Father’s Day is, in a big way, a day to honor Fathers around the world.

But I see it differently.

To me, Father’s Day is a day for me to look back and be thankful for the very person whose presence first made me worthy of the title “Father”.  That person is YOU.

15 years ago, you came into this world, a tiny, wrinkled-yet-smooth little bundle of pure joy.  The first time your Mama and I saw you, we immediately fell in love with you, and all those feelings that come with the realization that all life as we once knew it would come to a screeching stop just came pouring down on us like a massive wall of water.  But it was a great feeling – not so much of fear or anxiety – but more so of wonder and excitement!  At that moment, we weren’t thinking of things like, diapers and milk and baby clothes.  Pre-school and tuition were the farthest from our mind.  The future was the future, and there was nothing we could do about that but prepare for it.

But at that moment, all that did not matter. All that mattered was YOU.

Baby Girl, you may be 15 years old now, but I still see you as my first daughter – my Baby.  I have watched you grow up, and every moment is still very clear in my mind:  your first steps, your first words (which was “Mama”, of course).  I watched, and sometimes joined you, when you took baths in the rain;  when you climbed your first rock wall, and threw your first ball.  I saw you put on your first school uniform, and I smile every time I see you smile when you wear it, all excited to go to school.  I laughed at your teacher’s stories of how you would take the lead in disciplining your classmates – I still laugh when I tell that story to friends and family today.

I also smile when I tell the story of the time I told you to “Stop growing up and be my Baby forever…”  You said “Okay”, then you started to cry.  When I asked what was wrong, you simply cried, “But I want to grow up!”  I told you I could never keep you from growing up no matter how much I wanted to, and said that every time I would tell you to stop growing up, all you should say was “You can’t stop me!”  It seems, you meant that about more than just growing up.

The writer with his beautiful family.

I still remember when you transferred to my Alma Mater:  I was so proud when I got the email telling Mama and I that you were accepted into the school.  When I watched you put on your green patterned skirt, I knew that my school had gotten itself a treasure.  You met new friends, and at that time you seemed just a little too small for a big school, but you walked up the steps with confidence and expectations.

I must admit, I got hurt that time when I asked if you wanted me to walk with you to your classroom and you said, “You can go now, Dada, I can take care of myself.”  I watched as you walked away towards your classroom, and I half joked that “My Baby did not need me anymore…”

Baby Girl – even today you still allow me to call you my “Baby Girl” – I thank you for coming into my life.  Into our lives.  Because of you, your Mama and I get to enjoy the privilege of being called “Parents”:  “Mother” and “Father”.  It is a privilege only your presence could bring.  And for this, we both thank you.

I was asked what I feared most about having a teenage girl like you.  I have no answer, really, because you give me nothing to fear.  Your attitude, your outlook in life, your values – they assure your Mama and I that we must be doing something right, because you are growing up to be a perfect young Lady.

I guess the closest thing I have to fear of any kind is that one day, I will have to watch you go and make a family of your own.  When you will have your own “baby girl (or boy)”.  I really do not know how I will feel when you leave us to join your husband in the future, but until then, you will always – and forever – be my Baby Girl.

So when you greet me a “Happy Father’s Day”, please know that when I say “thank you”, I say thank you not so much for the greeting, but more for having come into this world to give me the privilege and honor of becoming a Father.  I can only pray that I become worthy of that glorious title.

May I be the kind of Father to you and your sister, that God our Father is to all of us.

Love always,
Dada

Tyne Dignadice Jr.  is a Human Resources professional, motivational speaker, a full-time dad to Julia and Yannina and husband to his incredible wife Jeng.

A Letter to My Baby Girl (Dads Speak Up Series post # 1)

As we all know, June is the month that we honor the mighty men in our families -  the dads. So I've decided to do something special for this week leading to Fathers' Day. There's something really special between the bond of a dad and his little girl/s, so I asked three brilliant men, all leaders in their industries and really awesome family guys, to write a letter for their daughters. It's time to hear from the dads!

I'm so honored that these guys took time out of their busy schedules and agreed to share their innermost thoughts to us (I could feel their pride and emotions when I first read what they sent me). And they are also the very first guest bloggers in my blog, so I'm really humbled and grateful to these men. 

Let's get right to it, shall we? The first one's for the new parents.

Dear Clare,

The moment your mom and I got married, I knew that I was ready to be a father. Me wishing for a mestiza baby was even caught on our wedding film.

News about your mommy's pregnancy brought us unexplained excitement and gave us the longest nine months of anticipation. After endless readings, advice and consultations, we were ready to be parents.

On July 28, 22 hours after a premature hospital rush, we welcomed you to the world: Clare Daenerys of House Medallo.

Oh, I've never learned this much in ten months ever in my life. Having you, Clare, is like all that I have learned in my 30 years of existence compressed in a matter of months.

On our first night with you, I never stopped ringing the nurse's bell every time you pooped. I did not know how to change your diaper. Now I can change your nappy in a jiffy, only with a diaper and baby wipes in tow.

Weeks pass and I suddenly understand how parents, like your Mommy, really embody real-life superheroes. From managing sleep, work, and family (babies are a handful), to readily giving-up whatever it takes to ensure your safety and happiness. You taught me to appreciate your Lolo Dante, Lola Linda and all the other parents even more. I was very fortunate to have the best role model in Lolo Dante.

David with his mestiza daughter Clare

As your Daddy, I only want the best for you, which actually puts me in a bit of a conundrum. First, I want to give you everything that I can, but I also want you to learn about patience and working hard for what you want. Next, I want to protect you from the even the smallest risks, yet I want you to be street-smart. Lastly, I can't stand seeing you cry, but I know that dealing with disappointments and pain will be a big part of your life.

I still do not know how I will ultimately be as a Dad, but I want you to know that I will always have your best intentions first. Mine and Mommy's ways of raising you may not always be ideal parenting, but it will always be our best.

You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are nothing but happiness ever since the day we found out that we will have you. Your hugs, tears, kisses and laughter gave my life a whole new realm of meaning. You are literally a wish that came true.

Clare, this I want you to always remember - I will never ever be the perfect Dad, but with God's guidance and Mommy's love and support, I will always strive to be one.

Love,
Daddy David

David Medallo is a 30-year old IT and sales professional married to his amazing wife Chiqui and a proud father to the most adorable 10-month old, Clare Daenerys, who wears 3-year old sized leggings. 

The Lessons We Teach Our Kids

We went to mass this morning, and while we were at the side of the church, I noticed that my eldest daughter was preoccupied with something. She kept picking flowers and putting them on the ground making a trail. I didn't bother asking her what she was doing as I was trying to focus on the mass. When she was done, she had a triumphant smile and said, "Jesus will be very happy." I was surprised with what she said so I asked her why, and she replied "Because I scattered flowers for him."

It took me a few minutes to realize why she had done that. I recalled reading to her the story about Jesus and the children in one of our Bible Friends books. The kids scattered flowers and waved palm branches while singing Hosanna as Jesus entered the town of Jerusalem. I knew she loved that story because there were lots of kids in the picture (and she even said, "Mommy, look! The kids are not wearing any shoes.") and it showed that Jesus was happy talking to the little children.

I couldn't help but feel a little bit of relief after that. I mean, as parents, we always wonder if we're raising our kids well. Apart from making sure they're well-fed and safe and healthy every day, we think of the things that we teach our children. We ask ourselves if we're providing them with the right lessons and experiences that they need to grow up as good, responsible and compassionate human beings.

We all have those moments. As a stay at home mom, I always ask myself if I'm teaching my kids well. Are they learning enough for their age? Should I be more proactive in teaching them how to read? Should I read to them more? Are they having too much screen time? Can they already tell good from bad? Are they learning about their faith? Should I stop them from watching Peppa Pig? 

I smiled a little and thought, "Of all the lessons that I try to teach you, anak, I'm glad that you remembered that." To make Jesus happy. We pray every night, bring them to church every week, but at the back of my mind, I wonder if my daughters understand our faith and who God is. It's a question that I still don't know the answer to, but hearing my four-year old say what she said a while ago tells me that I should explore that topic more with them.

I don't know why, but I didn't want the encounter to end with her thinking that she has to make a flower trail to make Jesus happy. So after contemplating for a few minutes, while giving her a hug, I told her, "You know what will make Jesus happy? It's when you pray and you love your sister and be good to other people." I know it's not the perfect thing to say, but I guess it's a good start.

A little while after that, our youngest daughter walked up to me and my husband, and hugged our legs and said, "I love you guys!" And I thought to myself, I don't know if I'm teaching them well all the time, but I know I taught them something good.

Motherhood Without Filters: The Truth About My Kids' OOTD

Hey fellow moms! Inspired by the latest novel that I read, My Not So Perfect Life by Sophie Kinsella, I am starting a series of blog posts called Motherhood Without Filters. It's just me sharing my raw and authentic take on some parts of being a mom that are usually being augmented in social media.

Dressing up kids, especially girls, is exciting. 

I've been through several phases of it ever since my first daughter was born. There was a phase of only buying gender-neutral colored onesies, then there was the think pink season, to all dresses to no dresses (now).

Because we have been blessed to get clothes as gifts to the girls, and we get an endless supply of hand-me-downs from relatives, we rarely buy clothes for the two. But buying is just half the battle. From the moment Nash learned to choose her clothes, there has been a constant power struggle between us.

It usually starts out with me having an outfit planned out for her to wear, but it always ends up with her choosing what clothes to put on. With Kawaii, it's still easy because she's only two years old. 

On the rare occasion that they actually like to pose. Quick story on this photo, their jackets are also hand me downs from their boy cousins in the US. They lent us these coats because it was too cold for the girls. Now it looks like the girls wore something edgy on purpose.

On the slim chance that I get to pick, here are two rules that I adhere to in dressing my kids up:

1. They should always be comfortable. My daughters are not fans of the phrase "tiis-ganda." Even if they would look smashing in it, they are not to wear those frilly dresses or cute denim jumpers on a humid day,  and we eventually cut all the tags inside our kids clothes because it makes them feel itchy.

2. Dress them up as kids. My brother once told me, "Wag mo pagsuotin si Nash ng mga pang-dalaga na. (Don't dress Nash up like a teenager)" It's actually sensible advice. When she's all grown up, she's free to experiment on trends, but right now, she'll dress up as a little princess - if she wants to. She can be as playful and as colorful as she wants with her outfits. I don't want her looking like a miniature adult in earth tones just so she would look hip, and people would think I'm a cool mom.

So this is what they usually wear, aka their OOTD on a regular basis:

• Pastel-colored sando tops from Divisoria (3 for 100, if I'm not mistaken). Breezy enough to be worn at home, or can be dressed up with pants, shorts or a tutu skirt.   
  
•   My kids have taken to their father in the sense that the most expensive item in their wardrobe is their footwear. Since we hardly buy any clothes for the girls, we buy them nice comfortable shoes. Nash loves her Mini Mels (I buy from Applesandpopcorn on Instagram) so I get her one or two pairs and she uses it for the whole year, and their Lola also buys them Crocs for everyday wear. Lately, she's been pairing it with everything. Good quality shoes are a worthy investment for us, since Kawaii can wear the shoes when her big sister outgrows it.
• Garterized dresses. My mom buys these cute little dresses for the girls from Divi or a bazaar stall in SM. She gets it for 50 to 100 pesos and it comes in different designs. Kawaii looks like a doll when she wears them. Nash isn't too keen about wearing dresses lately so she pairs her tops with shorts or leggings, also from the same supplier. 
  
• Character shirts. My Little Pony, Trolls and a whole lot of Frozen (shirts, leggings, hoodies!). Because, why not? Just let them be kids. 
• Hand-me-downs. We're lucky our relatives have such a good eye for fashion ;) I happily wore hand me downs from my aunts when I was a kid, until I turned 12 and grew taller than all of them and my feet was bigger than theirs. I let my girls wear pre-loved clothes for the reason that kids grow up so quickly and at the rate they're going, my girls will probably be like me.

Twinning is always cute. Wearing pretty preloved clothes from their aunts.

I must admit, I still consider myself a fashion mom. I have a Pinterest board named "My Girl's Lookbook," where I keep track of nice dresses, shirts with catchy phrases (I'm a sucker for those) and outfits that I fancy for my daughters. I also follow some moms on Instagram who sell cute outfits for kids. I actually admire those women who have turned their penchant for their children's fashion into a profitable business.

But as with everything, I think of the message that I'm sending to my girls. Do I imply that they need to dress a certain way for them to be liked and accepted? That we give much emphasis on their looks and outer appearance? At the same time, I don't want them to think that they can get away with being sloppy and messy and not taking care of their bodies. 

As a mom, my goal is not for my daughters to land a spot in a "10 Kids Who Dress Better Than You" spread. I'd like to think I still have the advantage, what with dressing myself up for the past 30 years and knowing that plain tops go with printed bottoms and vice versa, at least for five more years. 

My goal is to teach my kids to express themselves through their clothing. And that they should always be comfortable in what they wear.  

I used to put too much pressure on my daughter to wear the clothes I laid out for her, especially on special occasions, but now I learned to give in and accept when she resists my choices. I also learned to respect them when they refuse to pose for a decent #OOTD shot (picking my battles, they call it).

But, as nicely summarized by an essay from blogger Lauren Jimeson, "What My Kids Wear (or Don't Wear) Is None of Your Business." Just keep in mind that we want our kids' clothes to reflect who they are, not who we are, or how we want other people to see us. 

 

Motherhood Without Filters: What My Kids Did Last Summer

Hey fellow moms! Inspired by the latest novel that I read, My Not So Perfect Life by Sophie Kinsella, I am starting a series of blog posts called Motherhood Without Filters. It's just me sharing my raw and authentic take on some parts of being a mom that are usually being augmented in social media. 

What did your kids do last summer? (Or what are your kids doing this summer?)

That's a question that moms like to ask each other in play groups or a social setting.  It's as if we're all expected to have some sort of epic plan for our kids for the vacation season to be considered good parents.

Looking at my Facebook and Instagram feeds, I noticed that two things monopolize moms' social media posts during this period - a summer getaway (in Pinoy speak, outing) and enrolling in summer workshops. It's like these two belong to an imaginary checklist that moms subject themselves to, to prove that their kids had a productive time away from school. 

Let's talk about the summer getaways. I think all parents want their kids to be well-traveled. We cannot argue with the benefits that traveling has for our little one's holistic growth, and the most convenient time to bring them to different places would probably be during summer, when they won't have to worry about missing school. But what if we don't have that much time to plan or don't have enough resources for an out of town trip?

Hubby and I wanted to bring our daughters to Hong Kong Disneyland this month, but we decided against it for financial and practical reasons. I was starting to sulk inside and feel sorry for my kids for missing the opportunity to see their favorite princesses again, but then I read a blog in Huffington Post entitled, "We Have FOMO For Our Children and It Needs to Stop," and I was somehow reminded of our priorities as parents.

"If you want to go on fancy vacations and you can afford it, then do it. It’ll be fun. But please don’t feel like your kid is missing out. There is no official list of things they must do or see in order to have a good childhood," the author said.

"But we don’t have to try to pack an entire lifetime of experiences into 18 years. Our job, our real job, is to make our kids feel safe and loved. That’s it." 

Collecting flowers in the garden.

So rather than stressing ourselves out, trying to find a way for the HK trip to be a go, we agreed not to push through with it and instead save up for a family vacation in December. In the meantime, we brought the girls to the village playground and they enjoyed it. Our eldest adopted a little kitten with her older cousin  and the our youngest showed prowess by going up and down the slide on her own. They were already happy with simple things like that.

Also, as much as I adore those Instagram photos of kids in their cute baby-kinis and giant inflatables, the truth is that my youngest daughter hates swimming. She squirmed for the whole two minutes she was in the pool when we had a quick staycation in early April, so none of those swimming photos of Kawaii on my feed.

Another fun activity that we did - we gave them a bath outside.  Using only a garden hose, a plastic bath tub and a big enough planggana, the girls had a lot of fun splashing about.

Then you have the summer workshops. Ballet, dance, taekwondo, voice lessons, there's actually a lot to choose from nowadays. Even archery and Ninja Academy. I can see why moms spend a good amount of money for these lessons. Anything to help our little ones achieve their fullest potential. In fact, it's actually a very good way to make sure our kids are being productive and also developing their talents and interpersonal skills.

I was pregnant with my eldest when I read Amy Chua's book, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother." From then on, I promised that my child would have all the resources she needs to thrive in life. That includes different kinds of extracurricular activities and lessons every summer. We planned to sign her up for ballet a few months ago, but that didn't quite work out (location, schedule, budget, and we didn't want her two year old sister to feel left out). Maybe next year.

So, no summer workshops. But that doesn't mean we spent all our days wandering aimlessly at home. In fact, we did all sorts of fun (and cheap) activities.

As much as I wanted to teach my girls how to bake, the kitchen was a mess (we're renovating) and the weather was probably telling me to stay away from the oven for now. Instead, we made some frozen desserts using their favorite ingredients that are already in the pantry.

So excited for her popsicles.

Enjoying her corn and cheese popsicle. Recipe here.

Two-step frozen yogurt popsicles.

 Speaking of available ...

We bought Nash a toy scooter last year but she didn't really express much interest in learning how to ride it. It was just sitting in the room, gathering dust, until maybe last month when she told us that she wanted to practice riding on her scooter. And she did. She gives it a go a few times a day and now she already knows how to ride it.  We didn't even need to buy her expensive new instruments or sports gear for her to learn something new.

I wasn't able to enroll Nash to a dance workshop, but since March, she's been busting her moves in front of the TV while watching zumba videos on Youtube. It's amazing how she improves every week. Does that count as being self-taught? One day, her Lola invited a dance instructor to come to the house to teach her some dance steps. Nash wasn't interested and said, "My family can teach me how to dance."

I'm not saying that having a plan like going on an out of town trip or enrolling your kids to summer workshop isn't a good idea. It's just that if you don't have the means for it, there are alternatives to those activities. And if you fear that your kids missed out on a good summer experience because they didn't go somewhere exotic (or even Kidzania) or did not participate in any recital the past two months, stop. They will be okay. There is no checklist.

"Not all of the experiences that develop your child’s character can be found on a list of 101 Amazing Things Your Kids Must Do Before They Grow Up. Maybe the things that end up shaping your kids’ lives will be cheaper, closer to home, and in a word, ordinary." said the author of the blog I mentioned above.

Summer is almost over for us Pinay moms. School season starts in a few weeks. Let's make the most of it and create memories with the little ones.

Here's to Us, Moms Who Try

Moms are often categorized depending on their situation or preferences on how they raise their children. There are OC moms, freestyling moms (I usually fall under this category), breastfeeding moms, working moms, stay-at-home moms, single moms, the list goes on. And while it's true that there's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to motherhood and our parenting approach, there is one thing we all have in common: WE ALL TRY.

 

From the moment our kids were born, we haven't stopped trying.

We try to nourish them the best way we can. We breastfeed them, even though we know within the first latch that it is going to be painful and uncomfortable. We strive to make healthy lunches and snacks and make our kids try even just one bite.

We try to discipline our children. We try to make sure they've learned their lesson without traumatizing them. To find the balance between being firm and being compassionate. We try to keep our cool even though inside we already want to explode. 

Working moms try to secure the future of their kids, even if it means spending time apart. Stay-at-home moms sacrifice their careers to nurture their children, and try to attend to their every need. Single moms try to give their kids a happy family by taking on the role of mother and father. 

We try to shield them from all the hurt, pain and bad things in this world. We try to protect them as much as we can, but also, try to let go of them a little to give them room to grow. 

We try to stay fit. We keep pushing, keep running on the treadmill, and try to squeeze in a quick workout no matter how busy we are just to see a semblance of that post-baby body back. We try to stay healthy and feel beautiful, for our children, our husband and most especially for ourselves.

And despite having our hands full with motherhood, we still try to be a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. 

We try to make the world a better place for our kids. We stand up with other women against bullying, sexism, racism and do our part so that our children can have a kinder place to live in. 

We try even though we're scared. We try even though we're really, really tired. 

There are times when it may even seem like we're trying too hard. When we feel like we're not cut out for this job.

But I realized, isn't trying a good thing to teach our kids? What's one thing all successful people have in common? They persevered. They tried and tried to achieve something, to get where they are today. Because if they didn't even try and still end up with everything they want, that isn't success. That's entitlement. I want to teach my kids to try, experience failure at some point, but continue to strive and then feel that exhilaration when they've finally accomplished something. 

We try every single day to give our best to our kids. There are times that we fall short. Many times we feel like quitting, but we don't. We get up and we keep trying. We keep trying because we love them. That's what makes us a good mother. 

So on this day that is meant to recognize our contribution to society, I realized that the dedication that we put into trying and not giving up for our family is something worth celebrating.

Today, I pray for wisdom to envision our dreams for ourselves and for our families, courage to pursue it, patience to persevere amidst challenges and grace to face failure without breaking our spirit. 

Happy Mother's Day to us, beautiful trying moms! 

 

A Mom's 6 Stages of Dealing with a Traumatic Incident

Being mothers parents, we just want to shield our children from all the bad things in this world; sickness, accidents, crazy people. We want to protect them as much as possible, but we can't all the time. Difficult and horrible things happen, even to kids, and it's the ultimate test for us parents. Our best and worst traits come out. They say you never know crisis until you become a parent. That's true.

I'll be the first to admit that when it comes to my kids' well-being, I don't do well with pressure. When my eldest daughter gets sick, or my feisty baby girl had a bad fall, I turn into a big ball of crazy. Of course, I try to be as calm and level-headed on the outside, but on the inside, it's a whole different story. Anyway, in my years of experience of dealing with traumatic incidents such as these, I can't help but see a pattern on how I approach these stressful incidents as a parent. Well, at least these are the five stages that go on in my head when something unfortunate happens to one of my kids:

(I'm no expert, so these are by no means scientific. This is just a mother "thinking out loud." Just humor me.)

1.  Panic
 "Oh my gosh, what happened? (runs to get help from husband or another adult in the area) Look at that big bump on her forehead! What do I do? Are you okay, sweetheart? Should we go to the ER? Should I call the doctor? Do I just get ice for the concussion? What do I do? What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!?!"

"What's painful, anak? Are you okay? Do you want to drink some medicine? Do you want to go to the doctor? Do you want to make suka (throw up)? Which part of your tummy is painful? This one? This one? Anak, are you sure you're okay?!"

2. Denial
"Oh, it's just a little boo-boo, it's nothing.  The fall wasn't that bad. I can barely see the lump on her forehead."

"Lagnat-laki lang yan." "Baka nag-ngingipin lang." "Kulang sa tulog/tubig."

3. Bargaining

"Lord, if we get through this, if you heal her, I will never, EVER take my eyes off my daughter again. And she is never to play near the stairs for the rest of her life. "

"Kung pwede lang ilipat sa'kin yung sakit mo anak, okay lang talaga.  Lord, kahit magkaroon na ko ng pinakanakakadiring sakit sa buong mundo, kakayanin ko basta gumaling lang po yung anak ko."

4. Paranoia
"Her fever was gone a few hours ago. Now it's spiking up again. 37.6 ... 37.9 ... 38.3 ... 38.6 ... Oh Lord, please make it stop there ... Maybe we should take her to the emergency room. I read on Google that if fever reaches 39.1 then it means we should bring her to the doctor."

"Was her head always shaped like that? Or was it because of the fall?"

and Anger (usually towards my kid)

"Kawaii! How many times do I have to tell you? NO PLAYING ON THE STAIRS!!! Pag nahulog ka dyan, papaluin kita (kawawang bata)."

"Nash, don't go anywhere without Mommy or Tatay or Lola. Sige ka, if somebody gets you, you'll never see me again!"


5. Doubt

"Why did I ever think I could pull this off? Lord, why did you make me a mother? I'm clearly not fit to be one. I'm a mess and my beautiful girls don't deserve a terrible parent like me."

6.  Acceptance and Faith

I initially called this last stage "surrender," but I realized it sounds quite defeatist and if you're a parent, giving up is not an option.

It's a crazy world we live in. There are so many external factors that fill us with worry as parents. Lately, what keeps me up at night is thinking about "The Big One" and the news about kids getting abducted in malls and villages. What was supposed to be a leisurely trip to the mall can instantly turn into one filled with anxiety when I think about those two things.  As if just worrying about my kids' health and keeping them from accidents isn't enough to keep me on my toes. And however tempting it may be to just put them in a little bubble to shield them from getting hurt, our children need to explore for them to learn. It's part of life.

With  all these thoughts going inside my head (and I have to admit, I have a tendency to overthink), I know that at the end of another tiresome day, there are only two things that keep me sane and keeps me from giving up. My love for my family and my faith.

Let me share to you my personal prayer, a prayer that calms me:

Lord, I humbly lift up my child to you. Any pain or sickness that she is having.  I know that you are a God of healing, a God of purpose. I know that You love her more than I can ever grasp, and I know you want what's best for her as you have always wanted what is best for me. You know the desires of my heart. I know that you will not give me anything I can't handle. Thank you for believing that I am capable of being a good mother. Thank you for giving me a great partner in my husband and for surrounding me with people who help me take care of my children.

Lord, please protect my daughters always. Send forth your guardian angels to watch over them in everything that they do, everywhere they go.  I claim that they will be healed, in Jesus' name, Amen.

Can anybody relate? Would love to know in the comments section :) Stand firm in the faith, sisters and brothers!

 

(photo taken from Pinterest)

How Do We Raise Confident Girls?

Another one of those questions that we throw back to the universe for answers.

I have only recently discovered Ted Talks and I'm in awe of these amazing women talking about women's rights and women empowerment. One of the most remarkable speeches I've heard recently is "We Should All Be Feminists" by Chimimanda Ngozi Adichie, a renowned author.  In one of her talks, she said, “We should raise our daughters differently, but we should also raise our sons differently.”

I don’t have a son, so I want to focus on the first part of the statement - raising our daughters to become strong, empowered women. How can you say that a girl is confident? Is there a way to tell if the manner you're bringing up your daughter will make her a strong woman in the future?

I’d like to think that I am raising my daughters well, but sometimes I wonder if their personalities now reflect how they will be as adults, because right now, here’s where we stand: Nash, my firstborn, is one of the most clever four-year olds I know. She’s very articulate for her age. She is also well-behaved, but whenever she sees fighting on TV, or when she watches her Tatay play basketball against another team, she goes into fight mode. She’ll say, “Don’t worry Mommy, I got this,” then proceeds to do flying kicks and punches in the air. She definitely knows how to stand up for herself and protect the people she loves. Kawaii is pretty much still a baby so a little less attacking and more on the defense. You should hear her say "no," "never" and "nothing." I have never heard another two year old say, “I don’t like it,” like our little boss does. She is feisty. 

On the other hand, they are also shy. It takes Nash a while to warm up to other people, even kids, in a large group setting. She and her sister would cling to me like tarsiers does to a branch when they sense new people around. And don't expect them to perform in front of a crowd. All those days of practicing a song for their Christmas party have gone out the window, just because Nash doesn't feel like participating.

This leads me to ask, how do we define confidence anyway? Is it the opposite of being shy? Is it being sociable and outgoing and loud and easy to get along with everybody? Because if that's the case, aren't we mistaking confidence for being extroverted? 

Google simply defines confidence as "a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities." I think this definition is better suited for what I want for my girls. I don't expect them to be Miss Congeniality (although I wouldn't be surprised if they inherit that nice trait from their father) and be the most talkative kid on the block. I just want them to be brave enough to express themselves freely and know that they are capable and loved in every way. 

Although I have come across over a dozen articles on Pinterest about raising confident kids (most of the time about daughters), I still don't have any specific answer to the question above. But here are some things that we do that we hope will help achieve that goal:

• Provide them with good role models. 

They say daughters emulate their mothers, so it's obvious that I would be their first and closest example and that they will look at me for guidance. When I became a mother, my kids have become sort of my moral compass.  When faced with difficult situations, I always imagine my daughters watching me, imitating what I'm doing.  Am I being the person that I want my daughters to look up to?

Another way of being their role model is being kind to myself. I don't want to pass on any self-esteem issues to my girls. I think one of the most important things we should teach our daughters is to love their bodies and be comfortable in their own skin.

But at the same time, I know that they cannot be completely like me. Which is why I'm glad that my daughters are also surrounded with other strong women who love to spend time with them; their selfless grandmothers, aunts who are independent, career-driven and creative thinkers, godmothers who are tough yet compassionate, older cousins who can teach them a thing or two.

The men in their lives also serve as a role model to them for how men should treat women.

• Encourage them, but don't rush. 

My husband and I, along with our families, try to provide our children with all the support that they will need to pursue their passion. This early, Nash tells us she wants to be a fashion designer when she grows up. She loves to make up dresses from her Lola's scarves and hand towels. We let her decide what she wants to wear, and lately, she has designated herself to choosing my clothes in the morning. Kawaii loves to sing, and we sing with her all the time. They have their own version of Carpool Karaoke with their aunt. Our daughters are so different from each other, and we see to  it that we celebrate their individuality.

It's okay to throw in compliments. We tell our daughters every day that they are beautiful (we can't help it), but we also tell them that they're strong, and smart, and brave, and kind, and good sisters to each other.

Having been raised by supportive parents, encouraging comes easy for me. The part about rushing them is where I'm having a bit of trouble. I always need to fight the urge to be a stage mom and push them to sing or dance in front of an audience, or make friends at a big gathering. I constantly remind myself to manage my frustrations and let them open up in their own pace. 

True enough, they take their time, but they do things without my prodding. And it makes me so proud to see them being so thoughtful and caring towards their friends, rather than them having a lot of playmates whose names they will not even remember the next day.

• Just love them.

When a child feels loved, they feel happy.  They feel secure. They don't feel judged in any way. 

It's so easy to love and show love to the kids when they're being their huggable, adorable selves, but it's even more important to show them love when they're being difficult. Even when we're disciplining the girls, we encourage them to speak up and tell us (in a gentle tone) why they're mad or why they feel sad.  We tell them it's okay to cry, and that we will love them no matter what. When children see that their parents are there for them, they feel that they are worthwhile, and the more they can build on their sense of self.


Again, with these things, sometimes they're easier said than done. Especially if you're also struggling with some self-esteem or confidence issues. But another Ted Talks speaker, Caroline Paul (she's also a fire fighter, paraglider and author of "The Gutsy Girl:Escapades for Your Life of Epic Adventure") said, "Bravery is learned, and like anything learned, it just needs to be practiced." She also said, "We cannot teach our girls until we teach ourselves."

So let's practice every day, to be the strong, confident woman we want our daughters to be.

Tale as Old as Time (my thoughts on the new Beauty and the Beast movie)

Warning: Spoilers ahead (naks, feeling film critic naman ako dun!)

I was never the type to watch movies on its first day (let alone its first week), but I found myself making an exception for Beauty and the Beast. And I'm also not the type to give long commentaries about a film on social media (nothing wrong with doing so, by the way. It's just not my thing), so I just decided to write about it here instead.

 (photo from IMDB)

This film has been on my watch list since the news of a remake first broke out, so I thought I would be making a big event out of it. I was planning on watching the animated classic first with my daughters and dressing them up in a Disney princess costume of their choice before we head to the cinemas for the live action remake. Afterwards, we would have a "Be Our Guest" inspired tea party, complete with cupcakes and scones (joke lang yung scones. More like donuts siguro). But alas, we watched the movie as a sort of a spur of the moment decision last night (the husband and I were planning to watch another movie and we just brought the girls along, expecting them to be sleeping inside the theater, but we weren't allowed inside because of the R-16 rating), with the girls in their pajamas.

I'm not going to lie and say it was a remarkable experience for the kids. My girls fell asleep before the second half of the film. In our defense, they woke up really early that day and it was already past their bedtime (we caught the last full show). However, the film captured our daughters' attention within the first five minutes and that's quite good for a non-animated show, since my kids are only ages two and four. I could say Nash was entertained for the most part, at least until her body clock got the better of her. I asked her the next day if she liked the movie, she said she did but she fell asleep.

If, like me, you've seen the Disney classic countless times (thanks to my daughters, I know the words to all the songs by heart), you'll be amused to know that the remake got most of the dialogue on point, with a few tweaks to make it sound more dated and sophisticated (or does anything Emma Watson say sound sophisticated?). They also added some elements to thicken the story line, such as providing some back story about the Beast's childhood and even some reference to the historical French plagues (which has something to do with Belle's past).

The Be Our Guest scene was, in millennial-speak, LIT. The whole production number surpassed everything that I had imagined it would be before watching the movie. The flatware was indeed, entertaining.  It was like Sofitel buffet meets Cirque du Soleil for three minutes. Busog na busog yung mga mata ko. I even had a major tita moment when they showed Mrs. Potts hopping along while the camera pans to the delectable cakes for dessert (it gave me some ideas for a future cupcake and tea shop). The scene in the ballroom (where the theme song was sung) was also nothing short of spectacular. It gave me all the feels.  And I never really cared for Belle's dress in the animated version (yellow is not my color), but I'm having daydreams about this new one.  I also fell in love with the new song, "How Does A Moment Last Forever."

The enchanting dress  (photo from IMDB)

I liked how the characters were portrayed with much more depth in this live-action retelling. That Belle, aside from being the odd girl in the village, was also a promising inventor and Beast was not just this cursed prince who can't read.  But if there was one major game-changer in this movie, it's probably the redemption of Le Fou, played by Josh Gad (who, as we all know, voiced Olaf in Frozen), from being the villain's dumb and loyal (to a fault) sidekick to an openly gay man with a conscience.  Kudos to Disney for having the guts to transcend stereotypes.

 (photo from IMDB)

While some men (my husband and some guys) felt that the film was lacking the magical feel,  especially the part where the beast was levitating and transforming back to his human form (I was kind of expecting the prince to be taller, with silkier hair, but that's just me), I actually found this version quite good and whimsical enough for a live-action fairy tale.  I was enchanted, to say the least. This is the best retelling of a Disney classic that I have seen so far. Ginalingan ng Disney, mga bes. I'm  excited to see what they will do for my other favorites, The Little Mermaid and Aladdin.

The 31-year old me loved the new Beauty and the Beast movie. I'm pretty sure the seven-year old me would love it too. As for the real little girls in this story, they will be watching the film again this weekend, most probably in the afternoon so they don't fall asleep.

(photo from IMDB)

P.S. Luke Evans was awesome as Gaston. That dreamy voice and smolder is definitely the stuff of fairy tales.