How Do We Raise Confident Girls?

Another one of those questions that we throw back to the universe for answers.

I have only recently discovered Ted Talks and I'm in awe of these amazing women talking about women's rights and women empowerment. One of the most remarkable speeches I've heard recently is "We Should All Be Feminists" by Chimimanda Ngozi Adichie, a renowned author.  In one of her talks, she said, “We should raise our daughters differently, but we should also raise our sons differently.”

I don’t have a son, so I want to focus on the first part of the statement - raising our daughters to become strong, empowered women. How can you say that a girl is confident? Is there a way to tell if the manner you're bringing up your daughter will make her a strong woman in the future?

I’d like to think that I am raising my daughters well, but sometimes I wonder if their personalities now reflect how they will be as adults, because right now, here’s where we stand: Nash, my firstborn, is one of the most clever four-year olds I know. She’s very articulate for her age. She is also well-behaved, but whenever she sees fighting on TV, or when she watches her Tatay play basketball against another team, she goes into fight mode. She’ll say, “Don’t worry Mommy, I got this,” then proceeds to do flying kicks and punches in the air. She definitely knows how to stand up for herself and protect the people she loves. Kawaii is pretty much still a baby so a little less attacking and more on the defense. You should hear her say "no," "never" and "nothing." I have never heard another two year old say, “I don’t like it,” like our little boss does. She is feisty. 

On the other hand, they are also shy. It takes Nash a while to warm up to other people, even kids, in a large group setting. She and her sister would cling to me like tarsiers does to a branch when they sense new people around. And don't expect them to perform in front of a crowd. All those days of practicing a song for their Christmas party have gone out the window, just because Nash doesn't feel like participating.

This leads me to ask, how do we define confidence anyway? Is it the opposite of being shy? Is it being sociable and outgoing and loud and easy to get along with everybody? Because if that's the case, aren't we mistaking confidence for being extroverted? 

Google simply defines confidence as "a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities." I think this definition is better suited for what I want for my girls. I don't expect them to be Miss Congeniality (although I wouldn't be surprised if they inherit that nice trait from their father) and be the most talkative kid on the block. I just want them to be brave enough to express themselves freely and know that they are capable and loved in every way. 

Although I have come across over a dozen articles on Pinterest about raising confident kids (most of the time about daughters), I still don't have any specific answer to the question above. But here are some things that we do that we hope will help achieve that goal:

• Provide them with good role models. 

They say daughters emulate their mothers, so it's obvious that I would be their first and closest example and that they will look at me for guidance. When I became a mother, my kids have become sort of my moral compass.  When faced with difficult situations, I always imagine my daughters watching me, imitating what I'm doing.  Am I being the person that I want my daughters to look up to?

Another way of being their role model is being kind to myself. I don't want to pass on any self-esteem issues to my girls. I think one of the most important things we should teach our daughters is to love their bodies and be comfortable in their own skin.

But at the same time, I know that they cannot be completely like me. Which is why I'm glad that my daughters are also surrounded with other strong women who love to spend time with them; their selfless grandmothers, aunts who are independent, career-driven and creative thinkers, godmothers who are tough yet compassionate, older cousins who can teach them a thing or two.

The men in their lives also serve as a role model to them for how men should treat women.

• Encourage them, but don't rush. 

My husband and I, along with our families, try to provide our children with all the support that they will need to pursue their passion. This early, Nash tells us she wants to be a fashion designer when she grows up. She loves to make up dresses from her Lola's scarves and hand towels. We let her decide what she wants to wear, and lately, she has designated herself to choosing my clothes in the morning. Kawaii loves to sing, and we sing with her all the time. They have their own version of Carpool Karaoke with their aunt. Our daughters are so different from each other, and we see to  it that we celebrate their individuality.

It's okay to throw in compliments. We tell our daughters every day that they are beautiful (we can't help it), but we also tell them that they're strong, and smart, and brave, and kind, and good sisters to each other.

Having been raised by supportive parents, encouraging comes easy for me. The part about rushing them is where I'm having a bit of trouble. I always need to fight the urge to be a stage mom and push them to sing or dance in front of an audience, or make friends at a big gathering. I constantly remind myself to manage my frustrations and let them open up in their own pace. 

True enough, they take their time, but they do things without my prodding. And it makes me so proud to see them being so thoughtful and caring towards their friends, rather than them having a lot of playmates whose names they will not even remember the next day.

• Just love them.

When a child feels loved, they feel happy.  They feel secure. They don't feel judged in any way. 

It's so easy to love and show love to the kids when they're being their huggable, adorable selves, but it's even more important to show them love when they're being difficult. Even when we're disciplining the girls, we encourage them to speak up and tell us (in a gentle tone) why they're mad or why they feel sad.  We tell them it's okay to cry, and that we will love them no matter what. When children see that their parents are there for them, they feel that they are worthwhile, and the more they can build on their sense of self.


Again, with these things, sometimes they're easier said than done. Especially if you're also struggling with some self-esteem or confidence issues. But another Ted Talks speaker, Caroline Paul (she's also a fire fighter, paraglider and author of "The Gutsy Girl:Escapades for Your Life of Epic Adventure") said, "Bravery is learned, and like anything learned, it just needs to be practiced." She also said, "We cannot teach our girls until we teach ourselves."

So let's practice every day, to be the strong, confident woman we want our daughters to be.