Parents, Don't Outsource the Most Important Job - Playing with Your Kids

(February 1, 2017)

Two days ago, the girls' nanny left us. She moved to a different city for a job related to the course she finished, and even though it was us who encouraged her to pursue a career in that field, I can’t help but feel attached. She has been with us since my youngest daughter was born, and she was such a big help to us. She’s like an extended part of our little family. My daughters treat her like their own sister, their favorite friend and playmate.

When she finally decided to leave, I thought of the things that I needed to do in order for my daughters to cope with her departure and I realized, more than those seemingly exhausting things (like preparing their stuff for school or giving them a bath), the thing that I really needed to work on is being there for my kids, and I mean really being there. Being present physically, mentally and emotionally.

Admittedly, although I pride myself on being hands-on with the girls, playtime is one thing that I’ve sort of outsourced to the help. Or if she’s not around, it’s a duty that I have willingly passed on to other people, such as my husband or our siblings. It’s not that I hated playing or spending time with them.  I may even have a few “acceptable” reasons for not doing so:

• Being their mom, I felt like I needed to do more “important” things for them. Things that other people, no matter how much they love my kids, won’t do, such as give them a bath, change their diapers, make a living for them (I used to work at home) or clean up after them. Yes, I skip the fun part and wait for them to finish playing so that I can pack away their toys, which they will mess up again the next day.
•  Being a stay at home mom means I am around my daughters almost 24/7. My youngest also still breastfeeds from me, so having them play with other people grants me a few minutes of “me time.” I'm cool with my children spending time with other members of the family, but if I'm using that as an excuse to stay on my phone, then maybe it's wrong. I hate it when I intend to play with my kids, but then after a few minutes, something catches my attention on Facebook and before I know it, I have already drifted off and let my kids play on their own without Mommy. I feel so guilty when this happens, and it’s also my pet peeve when I see my husband holding his mobile phone while playing with the girls.
•   I want to teach them independence. I don’t want to be the kind of mother who smothers and hovers on her children, not giving them enough room to grow. Really, where do we draw the line between being present and mindful parents and being controlling helicopter moms?

I know my reasons may ring with other parents. I mean, they’re pretty valid if you ask me. It’s not like we’re neglecting them, right? But however justifiable they might seem, we’re still missing a lot by not being present at playtime. We must all know how playing helps the development of our kids and it is the best venue to teach and connect to them without being authoritative.

Barely a week since I stepped back into their playtime routine, I can already see the benefits. I like that I can see how my daughters relate to each other, and I am there to teach them how to share. I also learn more about them as individuals. My first-born is an imaginative four-year old princess who loves to play dress up with her dolls and make up songs (she takes after her Lolo), while my youngest is the most active two year old I’ve ever met. She’s in that phase where she likes to crawl, climb, slide, stand on top of chairs, seeing how long she can balance on top of a rocking wooden horse, those kinds of things. Yes, it’s exhausting, but I realized that spending time with my girls, talking to them, playing pretend makeup and tea party with them, hearing them laughing with each other is really the best use of my time.

As of writing*, we are not looking for a new nanny for the girls. I get a lot of support at home from my husband and my own mother so it’s not that big of an adjustment, but still I have to get used to being the girls’ number one playmate and constant companion. I know it should feel natural for us parents, it is, but I feel like I’ve outsourced it for so long that I still am trying to learn the ropes of playtime. At the back of my head, there’s still that control freak who wants to tidy up the toys before we’re even done playing, and sometimes I still get the urge to use my phone when the girls are not looking (darn you, Google). 

I am now trying this new thing where I play with my kids first, and do the rest of my tasks and have my much needed and well-deserved me-time when they’re asleep.  I catch up on my reading, squeeze in a workout, Netflix and chill by myself at night, while waiting for my husband to come home from work.  I also write at night now, when the day is over and I can reflect on what had happened the whole day. Which means that my blog posts might take longer(er) to finish, but at least, I’m trying to make it a new habit before I go to bed.

I’m  thankful for the opportunity to be with my kids all the time and be their number one playmate. I know some parents don't have that luxury, but I also know of other moms and dads who have full time jobs and are still winning with their kids at play time. It’s not really how long you’re in there with them, just as long as they feel that you’re really present and interested in what they're doing.

I guess it’s just a matter of putting in effort to be with them and really being in the moment, instead of pretending to be around but using your mobile phones. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s worth a try. You know what they say, the days are long but the years are short. So let's make the most out of this phase in their lives.

  Look at them giggle. Doesn't that make every minute of playtime so worth it?

*As of publishing this post, we are still not looking for a new nanny. Some things I noticed recently: my eldest learned to pack away her toys, and my two year old's vocabulary has grown immensely. There are things you only notice when you're paying attention ;)

The Mustard Seed

(January 26, 2017)

Write. Write. Write.

Hello again. As you may (or may not) have noticed, this space have been really quiet the past months. I have been dealing with some things inside my head as a writer. Truth be told, I just didn’t have the- how do I say this? I didn’t have the energy, the will to write something.  I feel like I don’t really have anything “relevant” to write about. Sometimes, I just sit in front of my laptop, stare at a blank screen, and … nganga.  Waley.  Precisely the reason why this blog had been put on a really long hiatus. It felt like I was going to be stuck in this rut forever and I needed to come to terms with myself that I really couldn’t do this blogging thing. It almost felt like the writer has left the building.

But tonight, after reading a blog post about being a stay-at-home mom and embracing that identity, something sparked inside of me. You know when you’re in the mall and you’re walking around just looking at things with no purpose or goal whatsoever and then one second, boom! You remember what you’re supposed to be doing, why you’re in the mall in the first place?  Has that ever happened to you? It did to me just now. It’s like a fire was lit in my heart, and I could either wait for the wind to blow it away and pretend that tiny flame never existed, or do I fan it and ignite that will inside?

I don’t want to use that cliché, “letting life pass you by,” but it is what has been happening lately. Don’t get me wrong. I love each moment that I spend with my family. My husband and I have hurdled challenges of epic proportions the past year and we have never been closer, and the time I spend with my daughters are so precious. But I somehow feel like I’ve been going around in circles trying to find my purpose, trying to listen to God, waiting for Him to reveal His purpose in my life. 

I’ve shared my sentiment with one of my closest friends, and she told me about the journey she’s having (a spiritual one) and recommended that I download the First5 app in my phone. It’s sort of a scripture-reading guide that helps you start your day with a verse in the Bible, along with some commentaries and guide questions to encourage time for reflection. I’m only on day 3 of using that app, but I can somehow feel that it’s helping. Reading a verse or a scripture every morning helps me start the day with some faith and a sense of purpose.

The Gospel for today says, “The kingdom of God is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of seeds sown upon the earth. But after it is planted, it grows to be larger than all garden plants and puts forth great branches, so that the birds of the air nest in its shade." Somebody may ask, “What’s the connection?” Well, I just realized, what if God is giving me a mustard seed? What if His plan for me doesn’t come in something grand and monumental? I mean, I know He has great plans for me, but what if it’s not in a big, loud package? Maybe He wants me to start small. Maybe he wants me to take baby steps. To take that mustard seed and cultivate it and see it grow into something big.

I’ve never been a fan of gardening. My husband is, though, and it’s his dream to have a garden of our own where we would grow fruit-bearing trees and plants. I share that dream with him, not only because I’m in love with the idea of having ingredients ready for the picking in my own backyard, but I like the thought of seeing something small and unappealing grow into something beautiful.

Maybe that is the Lord’s plan for me. To take my mustard seed and plant it firmly in faith, and cultivate it. Water it. Take these baby steps of reviving my blog, even if I feel like nobody is interested in it (yet!). And believe. Believe that what He promises, He will deliver. Our God is a God of purpose. Our God is good at being God. Trust in His timing.

So here’s my mustard seed. I’m planting it and I pray that the Lord will grant me the sweetest fruit come harvest season. The writer has not left the building. The writer is a mom and moms don’t quit.

What’s your mustard seed?