Unless you live in a bubble, chances are you have already faced adversity. We are all going to experience pain and struggles at one point in our lives, and as much as we want to shield them, our children are not exempted from it. But it doesn’t mean that they are expected to lead a miserable life. While we cannot always protect them from getting hurt, defeated or rejected, we can help our kids learn how to be resilient and bounce back or from painful experiences and difficulties.
The Oxford Dictionary defined resiliency as the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. In 1997, Dr. Paul Stoltz coined the term Adversity Quotient in his book, Adversity Quotient: Turning Obstacles Into Opportunities. As the name implies, adversity quotient is a person’s ability to deal with setbacks and difficulties in his life. According to Stoltz, it is something that is hardwired inside of us. But if that's the case, how come some people are able to come out almost unscathed while others feel so hopeless when things get tough?
Now more than ever, it’s very important to raise children who are resilient and cultivate a mindset where they can adapt, cope and succeed regardless if life throws them some curve balls.
The American Academy of Pediatrics together with Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, a pediatrician specializing in Adolescent Medicine at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, wrote a book called A Parent’s Guide to Building Resilience and Teens: Giving Your Child Roots and Wings. There, they identified the 7 Cs of resiliency to provide a guideline for parents on the essential factors that are needed when it comes to helping children become resilient.
· Competence – Having the ability and the skills to respond to situations effectively.
· Confidence – Believing in one’s capabilities to do the right thing.
· Connection – Having solid ties with someone who gives them a sense of security and safety in any circumstance.
· Character – Having a sense of right and wrong to be able to make sound decisions, and contribute to society by being part of the solution.
· Contribution – Being able to chip in gives them a sense of purpose and motivates them to rise above adversity.
· Coping – Being able to accept the situation and knowing how to respond to it positively.
· Control – Knowing that they are in charge of their actions and decisions and that they have the ability to bounce back.
Photo by Myles Tan on Unsplash
With that in mind, here are some ways to cultivate resiliency in your child:
· Strengthening your emotional connection.
Let your child know that he has somebody he can count on to share his feelings without being judged or ridiculed. For kids, the best way to show them you care is by spending time with them. Go on walks to the park, play with his favorite toy, or read a book together. Let him know that you’re there when he needs you.
You can also encourage him to build his relationships with his siblings, grandparents or friends. This shows him that he has people he can depend on that will support him.
· Teach him problem-solving skills.
As parents, it’s natural for us to want to protect our child. But it will not help him if we’re always there to “save the day.”
When your child is faced with a difficult situation, resist the urge to step in and fix the problem. Instead of providing the answers, ask questions and let him find a way to solve the issue. Recognizing that he is capable of handling the situation will boost his confidence.
· Let him make mistakes … and learn from them.
Sometimes our kids are too sheltered and entitled that they get so anxious when something goes wrong or fails. We may have been giving them this impression when we focus too much on the end result (for example, acing a test or winning in sports).
Let us step away from that mind frame of perfection and show our children that failure is a part of growth. Allow your child to make mistakes, learn from that mistake and use it as a challenge to bounce back and to move forward.
Photo by Randy Lobiano
· Laugh together.
Laughter is a coping mechanism that has a lot of benefits: it connects you to people, reduces anxiety, releases anger or stress and strengthens the immune system.
When life gets unbearable, humor allows us to not take ourselves too seriously.
In experiencing difficulty or defeat, encourage your child to take a step back and laugh at himself for losing or being wrong. This will help lighten his mood and remind him that this situation is not permanent and he can recover from it.
· Encourage him to participate in sports.
Aside from the physical benefits that it presents, taking part in any kind of sports exposes your child to difficulties and setbacks, promotes quick-thinking and trains him to respond to moderate levels of stress.
Playing sports can also boost your child’s confidence and build his character by teaching him valuable lessons like teamwork and sportsmanship – learning how to gracefully accept defeat. Moreover, being part of a team will help him realize that his actions will affect other people and the outcome of the game.
· Practice gratitude.
Instead of dwelling on negative feelings like loss or difficulties, being grateful shifts our focus on the positive things.
When things start going on a downward spiral, reframe your child’s thoughts and tell him to think of the things that he should be thankful for, including the lessons that he learned after solving a problem or overcoming a difficulty.
As a family, get in the habit of saying three things that you are grateful for that day. Practicing this every day will help your kid appreciate what he has rather than what he has lost.
· Teach him to evaluate his actions.
According to Dr. Lucy Hone, co-director at the New Zealand Institute of Well-being & Resilience and author of the book Resilient Grieving, by asking yourself whether the next step will be beneficial or harmful to you, you’re putting yourself back in the driver’s seat. You’re taking control of your emotions.
So when your child is faced with difficulty or adversity, ask him what his next step is, then pose the question: “Will doing that help you or harm you?” That will help him take charge of the situation and make a decision that is favorable to him.
Whether it’s a failing grade in school, rejection by peers or losing a loved one or pet, children are not immune to pain and suffering. But it’s up to us if we will let these traumatic circumstances scar them for life, or equip them with the skills to deal with adversity, to bounce back and face these challenges head-on.
