When Mommy Throws a Tantrum

Yesterday, Nash and I went to her new school for an orientation. It was supposed to be a fun morning for the upcoming first grader, but it turned out to be a very frustrating experience for both of us. My headstrong little girl didn't want to join the games, didn't want to line up with the other children, she did not want to participate at all. It was like the first day of preschool all over again. (Remember my blog post about that? No? Read it here.) To add to that, she was making a face about not wanting to join as I was trying to talk her into it and it annoyed me so much that I pushed her more to the point where she was almost in tears. Needless to say, she threw a tantrum in her new school.

But as the story progressed, someone threw an even bigger tantrum. It was me. The mom.

See, as a mom, I always looked forward to things like these. My firstborn's orientation in big school. I pictured it being an awesome activity for our little family. I prepared everything my child would need the night before, and woke up extra early to give the kids a bath, even skipping breakfast (me, not my daughter) to make sure we would make it there on time. But alas, life happened and things didn't go as planned. Because we were already running late, my husband decided to stay home with the other kid who didn’t want to wake up yet, leaving me to go with our eldest and baby boy in tow. When we got there, the first graders were already lined up, all ready and rowdy to play games. My daughter, overwhelmed by the number of kids, started clinging to me. I gave her a gentle nudge to go with the other kids, even look for a familiar face (she had a previous classmate also going to that school). But she wouldn't budge. She just kept saying no. I could feel eyes on me as I struggled to hold my one-year-old baby while trying to get his big sister to fall in line. I also heard my voice get a notch higher. Nash was determined to say no, and I just kept insisting she should join. Our discussion was so heated that it came to the point where she said, "I don't want to go to school anymore." and I told her she was grounded (no watching TV or on the phone for the whole day).

Remember my previous post when I said, "I don't want to be that mother?"  Well, guess what? I felt every bit like that mom yesterday. Everything I learned about positive parenting and the right way to encourage my kid just flew out the window.

I got so frustrated that my temper was no better even after the event. In the car, Nash was back to her playful mood, but I was still seething. I threw a fit when my husband told me he couldn't go with us to lunch because he had work (I'm usually more understanding), and when we got home, I was just so mad that I asked the babysitter to feed my youngest. I felt that my emotions were too high that I couldn't focus on the simple task of feeding my baby.  I did not make a scene or had an outburst of any kind, but like the typical introvert, being in a bad mood meant grumbling to myself and slamming the door, being irritable even when other people around me were not doing anything wrong. I threw a tantrum and left a trail of destruction and wounded emotions behind.

Photo by nrd on Unsplash

After being alone in my thoughts for a few minutes, a light meal and some dessert, I calmed down and returned to my usual self. Then I was able to reflect on what happened. Why was I so mad earlier? Was it because I skipped breakfast so I felt so cranky and "hangry?" Was it because people were already looking and I was starting to feel embarrassed? Or because despite all my efforts and sacrifices, nothing was working out as planned? It can also be because I knew how far my daughter has come when it comes to her social skills, so it frustrated me that she was having a hard time again.

 But I have already anticipated that happening since the school she would be going to has triple the number of students in class than her preschool. I knew she would be overwhelmed by the changes and I know we would be able to overcome it like we did before.

So if I kind of knew that was going to happen, then the problem wasn't her resistance to participate, the problem was how I reacted to it. I let my frustration get in the way of responding the best way I know how when we encounter those situations. All I wanted was for my daughter to be excited about her new school. Instead, I managed to achieve the opposite of that. She even told me, "I don't think I'm ready for big school," and that stung. We have been preparing for this day and I thought she was ready.

I felt so bad. But fortunately, in motherhood, we’re given plenty of chances to right our wrongs. Once I was calm, I asked Nash if she was still mad at me. She nodded, and when I asked her why, she said, "Because you kept forcing me to join and I didn't want to." After I asked the question, I apologized and left her alone to play. She was actually okay after. There was no trace of the moody little girl of that morning.

When it was time to get ready for bed, I started talking to her again about what happened. She was now ready to open up, and she told me about her favorite parts and her not so favorite parts of the event. I explained to her, confessing that I acted the way I did because I wanted her to enjoy and make some friends in her new school.  My favorite part is this: when I told her why I was so frustrated, she replied, "Maybe I just didn't get the hang of it yet." She said those words calmly, acting all mature, that it gave me a glimpse of the conversations that I would be looking forward to in the future. "It will be okay," I finally said. "Everything will be much better next time." She forgave me for being so hard on her. We're lucky our kids don't hold grudges.

Looking back at what happened, I realized that maybe I was just feeling tired and frustrated that day, and I took it out on the closest target - my child. It didn't dawn on me until later on that maybe she was feeling the same way. Lesson learned for me. I guess I needed a refresher. I got so used to her being able to handle things by herself (she's the Ate in the house), I forgot she needed some reassurance that I would be proud of her no matter what.

So, Mommy had a tantrum. That means I'm not perfect. There will be times that I will fall short, and things won't go according to plan. And I have to acknowledge that I need to take a breather sometimes. Yes, even mommies need a time-out. But only so we don’t lose our minds and we can bounce back, stronger and wiser than the last time. Because as parents, we cannot let one setback stop us from what we were made to do, who we were meant to be, and that's being the kindest, most understanding and loving people in our child's life.

I had a weak moment, but now I’m ready to help my little girl in this new chapter in her life. So, bring it on, big school, we're ready for you!