Seven Lessons We Learned as We Approach the Seven Year Itch

A few weeks  ago, Koks and I celebrated our seventh year anniversary. It's amazing how time goes by. I can still remember being giddy like a high school girl and having butterflies in my tummy as we approached our wedding day.

In marriage, there's a term called the seven-year itch.  According to Wikipedia, the seven-year itch is a psychological term suggesting that happiness in a relationship declines after around the seventh year of marriage, and studies show that it's an ongoing reality for most couples today.

I can't say that there's no truth to that statement, but as we approach the dreaded number, I don't feel at all that our marriage is going on a downward spiral. In fact, I think it's the happiest we've ever been. While we certainly experienced the honeymoon stage with us living together in a different country in our first two years, I think the past five years also had some merits. We learned to navigate our relationship as we welcomed our first child, and then another. Now we're a small family with our two darling girls.

While we don't claim to be experts when it comes to marriage, being husband and wife for seven years (together for more than 10 years) and talking to some married couples in our circle, we certainly learned some lessons to make our bond stronger and enjoy a happier life together. Allow me to share some with you:

Disclaimer: The hubster approved of this post, so it's safe to say that he agrees with the points below. 

Keep dating each other.

Even when you don't have money. Even if the kids don't have nannies. They don't have to be expensive. Koks and I are masters of the Netflix and Chill theme. What sets the mood? Large fries and monster float from McDonalds (24-hour delivery for the win!).

Accept who you are as a couple (and individuals).

When we were starting out, I had a lot of expectations for us as a married couple. I wanted the works. Getting married meant having the freedom to do what we want, and I wanted to be the type of couple who dresses up and goes out for drinks with our friends on a Friday night. But as it turns out, that's not who we are. My husband hated going to bars because of the smoke and he likes to go to bed early. And he knows I'm not the type who thrives in a big group setting. I may have married Mr. Congeniality, but the introvert in me retreats when there's too many people to socialize with.

We also belong to a Catholic group for married couples, and for a while, I didn't want us to be too associated with the community. I didn't want our other friends to tag us as goody-goody and "boring." But through our service, our faith grew along with our relationship. Now we're very proud to say that we're serving the Lord through Couples for Christ.  I don't think anchoring our marriage to God makes us any less fun than our other coupled friends.

Support each other's passion.

My husband's friends and teammates know how much I support him in his love for basketball. When we didn't have kids yet, I'd watch him at every practice and now, our girls know that our weekend activities include us coming to their Tatay's games and cheer for him from the sidelines. I even mastered the ancient art of breastfeeding our little one on the bleachers while keeping score.

On the other hand, I feel happy whenever I see Koks sharing my blog posts to his friends and his feed on social media. He knows writing is important to me, so he gives me enough space and privacy to express my thoughts on my blog. He's also obliged to complete a three-year journal of our life together. He thinks it's time-consuming, but he does it with me anyway.

Have a support group (and it doesn't include in-laws!)

Yes, we still have our own set of friends (it's  healthy to keep them), but we also have a set of common friends who knew us from waaay back. These are our old friends in Youth For Christ, and our household prayer group in CFC. They know us as individuals and as a couple so they're more likely to be neutral when it comes to discussions. Like us, most of them are also married and belong to the community so we know we can confide in each other and pray for each other's concerns.  The talks and activities that we attended from the CFC Young Couples' Program also helped us navigate our way to being a newly married couple.

And while we have nothing against our in-laws (we're so blessed to be one of those couples who have no in-law drama), we believe it's healthy not to discuss our marital problems with them and keep a united front as a couple. We know that they will always have our backs though.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

My husband and I have our own quirks and ways of really getting in each other's nerves, but we try to let go of those little things that bother us and focus on the things that make us like and love each other. Remember, it's better to be happy than to be right. It's better to love than to be right.

Find a way to laugh together. 

A lot of our female friends have asked me what it's like to be married to somebody who's so funny. I tell them, of course, it's great! But it's tough too because life is not funny all the time. And when funny guys get serious, you know better than joke around with them. But for the most part, it really is a blessing to find someone you can laugh with, and who will make you laugh for the silliest reasons.  No one else can get me in stitches like my husband does. I think it's why even though our marriage is soon to hit the decade mark, I still feel young and optimistic about things.

Accept that your partner have changed or can change.

I realized that relationships fall apart when the parties are not open to change. There are things about me or Koks that are not what they used to be, but it doesn't mean that our marriage is doomed to fail. We learned to love each other as is, and not our closed idea of how our spouse used to be. As long as it's not destructive or abusive, we welcome change. Instead of being frustrated about it, we see it as a challenge to find new ways to show our love to each other. "How do I love you more than I loved you before?"

Bonus for wives: submit to your husbands (Ephesians 5:22). 

In this modern, women-empowering world, it's easy to dismiss this advice. But for me, being submissive doesn't mean playing dumb while your husband makes all the decisions. It's about giving him enough respect and trust to lead your family. It's about not always being quick to judge his mistakes and decisions, and stepping in when problems arise but always being supportive and compassionate and prayerful, and trust that he will find solutions.  Ladies, let your husband commit mistakes (mistakes, not sins). Trust me, they will learn the hard way.

In our years of being married, being submissive to my husband led to him becoming more responsible and sensitive to my needs. He also values my opinions more and includes me in decision-making. It also led to me worrying less about things that I have no control over. 

Year One

Year Seven

A few weeks ago, a priest said in his homily, "Couples for Christ na sila pero nag-aaway pa." It's a pet peeve that Koks and I both share, but we kept a straight face throughout the mass. Being part of the community doesn't make us any more perfect than other couples out there. Of course I still fight with my husband. Only him and our family have the license to drive me mad (with others, I could care less). But it's normal. We get in each other's nerves, argue about it, come up with a solution and pray about it. Some fights last longer than others, but we still stay together and work on it as partners.

I realized that we still have a lot to learn from other couples who are married longer than we have been, and from each other as well. But as long as we keep learning and laughing together, I know we're on the right track. We may not be the poster couple for a perfect marriage, but God has joined us together because we're perfect for each other.

I know it takes more than a few tips to solve every marital woe in the world, but I hope couples reading this have picked up a thing or two about enriching your married life.

To my husband, thanks for sharing your life with me. If there's any itch in our relationship, it's probably me, itching to spend the rest of my life with you, fulfilling our dreams and watching God's plan for us unfold. Here's to the next seven, seventy-seven and seven hundred years with you. Happy Anniversary! 

A Letter to My Grownup Kids

By now, we're already entrenched in all the Father's Day spirit going around. Well, our dads deserve all the love and recognition. 

But for me and my siblings, being proud of our Papa is an everyday thing. It's hard not to be, when you're raised by such a great man.

So for the last installment of my Dads Speak Up series, it is with great pride that I share this Dad's - my Papa's letter to his grown-up kids. 

My dear Labkids,

I am so thrilled that you are proud of me. That is every parent’s wish.

I always recall the days when we would only buy your shoes and clothes from the tiangge because I couldn’t afford the original ones. We did not have the money but you did not lack in taste. You chose the good-looking ones. It is amazing that three boys grew up to be good basketball players despite the ill-fitting imitation rubber shoes.

I love thinking of the days when I could only buy you decent toys when I came from a foreign business trip. They were few and far in between that’s why you cared for them with so much affection because you knew they were all hard-earned. I remember you had only 2 or 3 real Barbie Dolls while the rest were Divisoria posers. 

I remember the afternoon Kaye went up to me because her toy was broken. The look on her face showed how she trusted that I could fix it. My heart broke into a million pieces because I couldn’t make it work. And couldn’t even buy a new one.

Camille, I remember your delighted face when I gave you that puppet theater. I’m sorry the boys turned it into a pellet gun shooting gallery!

I always wondered how you felt as “children of a lesser god."  Did you resent me for that ? Did you wish your Papa had a little more money then ?

I didn’t really feel that you wished you were born in another place at another time to another set of parents.

We were happy when we played touch ball in the street or when we went to the public parks. I have home videos to prove we were a joyful family as you climbed the monkey bars, rocked the swing and rode on your low-end skateboards.

We all proved to ourselves that happy doesn’t always need money. Love beats money any day.

I think that’s a good lesson to learn now that you have the ability to earn your money.

Have some respect for money. You need to earn a good amount of it because it’s so hard to focus on your work if you worry about rent, food, clothes, medicines. Earn as much as you can because it’s not a bad thing to have abundance in life. But it should not be the measure of success. 

What should it be then? Achievement? Fame? Popularity? A permanent place in history? A house on the beach?

To all these questions, the answers are yes and no. These are all worthy pursuits but you should not be under pressure to chase them just because you want to impress your high school classmates or because somebody said they are the yardsticks of success.

All I’m saying is that you decide for yourself what will make you feel fulfilled and happy. You define your success. You know what? The biggest regret of people is not having lived the life they had really wanted. 

I have lived for more than fifty years. Some of my dreams have been fulfilled, some have dissipated. I have won many games and I have lost many battles. I have learned from so many experiences, people and books and now this is what I believe in: 

People are happier when they dedicate their lives to a good purpose and when their work makes a positive difference in people’s lives. 

 To be able to serve a good purpose, you must be equipped with a certain talent, something that you contribute to the world. (not necessarily the whole world. That may be too big a thing to cover.) Sometimes, those talents are called “gifts’ from God. You have to give them back to God by serving His people.

 So, you might remember what your Mama and I consistently told you in numerous retreat letters: develop your talents, be the best that you can be.

 Mama and I are grateful that you have all have developed your creative talents. Some of you may one day be the screenwriter or movie director that I did not become. (If we had the genes for math and chemistry, some of you should have become an engineer or a doctor. )

Now, let me take this opportunity to expound on becoming “the best that you can be.” We don’t just mean becoming the best writer, or digital expert, or artist. It’s about becoming “the best person” that you can be. In my book, that means becoming a kind, caring, honest, fair and brave person. 

Go as far as your talent can take you or as far as you want to go. But keep in mind there’s no gain in pushing yourself to the top if your children will end up not loving you or if you will cheat, rob and oppress people or even just irritate them with your conceit and all-knowing IQ.

I can see how you are all turning out to be persons your children can be proud of. Yes, that’s it! I believe every person’s goal is to live a life that can make their children proud of them. 

Go, have many children, and make them proud of you. 

Love, 

Papa

P.S.  Always be a well-mannered person on social media.

photo by Oakst Studios

Robert Labayen is an advertising and media executive, painter, songwriter, and a cool Papa to five kids age 25 and up (including me). To read more of his inspiring articles, visit www.robertlabayen.com

A Letter to My Teenage Daughter (Dads Speak Up Series post # 2)

Only a few days to go before Father's Day! 

For the first part of my Dads Speak Up series, we had a glimpse of the joys of fatherhood, as expressed by a new dad to his little girl (read about it here). But as much as we want to, our kids cannot be little forever. So for Part 2, it is with great pleasure that I share to you this dad's letter to his "Baby Girl" who just won't stop growing up. 

Warning: You might need tissues.  

 

My Dearest Amaris,

Many people think that Father’s Day is a day to honor fathers around the world.  In a big sense, that’s right:  being a father is no easy job.  It is so easy to become a dad – many young people found that out the hard way.

But being a Father – that’s tough.  One has to be strong yet gentle;  firm yet supple.  One must be able to bend without breaking.  All for the love of the ones we call our children.

Yes, Father’s Day is, in a big way, a day to honor Fathers around the world.

But I see it differently.

To me, Father’s Day is a day for me to look back and be thankful for the very person whose presence first made me worthy of the title “Father”.  That person is YOU.

15 years ago, you came into this world, a tiny, wrinkled-yet-smooth little bundle of pure joy.  The first time your Mama and I saw you, we immediately fell in love with you, and all those feelings that come with the realization that all life as we once knew it would come to a screeching stop just came pouring down on us like a massive wall of water.  But it was a great feeling – not so much of fear or anxiety – but more so of wonder and excitement!  At that moment, we weren’t thinking of things like, diapers and milk and baby clothes.  Pre-school and tuition were the farthest from our mind.  The future was the future, and there was nothing we could do about that but prepare for it.

But at that moment, all that did not matter. All that mattered was YOU.

Baby Girl, you may be 15 years old now, but I still see you as my first daughter – my Baby.  I have watched you grow up, and every moment is still very clear in my mind:  your first steps, your first words (which was “Mama”, of course).  I watched, and sometimes joined you, when you took baths in the rain;  when you climbed your first rock wall, and threw your first ball.  I saw you put on your first school uniform, and I smile every time I see you smile when you wear it, all excited to go to school.  I laughed at your teacher’s stories of how you would take the lead in disciplining your classmates – I still laugh when I tell that story to friends and family today.

I also smile when I tell the story of the time I told you to “Stop growing up and be my Baby forever…”  You said “Okay”, then you started to cry.  When I asked what was wrong, you simply cried, “But I want to grow up!”  I told you I could never keep you from growing up no matter how much I wanted to, and said that every time I would tell you to stop growing up, all you should say was “You can’t stop me!”  It seems, you meant that about more than just growing up.

The writer with his beautiful family.

I still remember when you transferred to my Alma Mater:  I was so proud when I got the email telling Mama and I that you were accepted into the school.  When I watched you put on your green patterned skirt, I knew that my school had gotten itself a treasure.  You met new friends, and at that time you seemed just a little too small for a big school, but you walked up the steps with confidence and expectations.

I must admit, I got hurt that time when I asked if you wanted me to walk with you to your classroom and you said, “You can go now, Dada, I can take care of myself.”  I watched as you walked away towards your classroom, and I half joked that “My Baby did not need me anymore…”

Baby Girl – even today you still allow me to call you my “Baby Girl” – I thank you for coming into my life.  Into our lives.  Because of you, your Mama and I get to enjoy the privilege of being called “Parents”:  “Mother” and “Father”.  It is a privilege only your presence could bring.  And for this, we both thank you.

I was asked what I feared most about having a teenage girl like you.  I have no answer, really, because you give me nothing to fear.  Your attitude, your outlook in life, your values – they assure your Mama and I that we must be doing something right, because you are growing up to be a perfect young Lady.

I guess the closest thing I have to fear of any kind is that one day, I will have to watch you go and make a family of your own.  When you will have your own “baby girl (or boy)”.  I really do not know how I will feel when you leave us to join your husband in the future, but until then, you will always – and forever – be my Baby Girl.

So when you greet me a “Happy Father’s Day”, please know that when I say “thank you”, I say thank you not so much for the greeting, but more for having come into this world to give me the privilege and honor of becoming a Father.  I can only pray that I become worthy of that glorious title.

May I be the kind of Father to you and your sister, that God our Father is to all of us.

Love always,
Dada

Tyne Dignadice Jr.  is a Human Resources professional, motivational speaker, a full-time dad to Julia and Yannina and husband to his incredible wife Jeng.

A Letter to My Baby Girl (Dads Speak Up Series post # 1)

As we all know, June is the month that we honor the mighty men in our families -  the dads. So I've decided to do something special for this week leading to Fathers' Day. There's something really special between the bond of a dad and his little girl/s, so I asked three brilliant men, all leaders in their industries and really awesome family guys, to write a letter for their daughters. It's time to hear from the dads!

I'm so honored that these guys took time out of their busy schedules and agreed to share their innermost thoughts to us (I could feel their pride and emotions when I first read what they sent me). And they are also the very first guest bloggers in my blog, so I'm really humbled and grateful to these men. 

Let's get right to it, shall we? The first one's for the new parents.

Dear Clare,

The moment your mom and I got married, I knew that I was ready to be a father. Me wishing for a mestiza baby was even caught on our wedding film.

News about your mommy's pregnancy brought us unexplained excitement and gave us the longest nine months of anticipation. After endless readings, advice and consultations, we were ready to be parents.

On July 28, 22 hours after a premature hospital rush, we welcomed you to the world: Clare Daenerys of House Medallo.

Oh, I've never learned this much in ten months ever in my life. Having you, Clare, is like all that I have learned in my 30 years of existence compressed in a matter of months.

On our first night with you, I never stopped ringing the nurse's bell every time you pooped. I did not know how to change your diaper. Now I can change your nappy in a jiffy, only with a diaper and baby wipes in tow.

Weeks pass and I suddenly understand how parents, like your Mommy, really embody real-life superheroes. From managing sleep, work, and family (babies are a handful), to readily giving-up whatever it takes to ensure your safety and happiness. You taught me to appreciate your Lolo Dante, Lola Linda and all the other parents even more. I was very fortunate to have the best role model in Lolo Dante.

David with his mestiza daughter Clare

As your Daddy, I only want the best for you, which actually puts me in a bit of a conundrum. First, I want to give you everything that I can, but I also want you to learn about patience and working hard for what you want. Next, I want to protect you from the even the smallest risks, yet I want you to be street-smart. Lastly, I can't stand seeing you cry, but I know that dealing with disappointments and pain will be a big part of your life.

I still do not know how I will ultimately be as a Dad, but I want you to know that I will always have your best intentions first. Mine and Mommy's ways of raising you may not always be ideal parenting, but it will always be our best.

You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are nothing but happiness ever since the day we found out that we will have you. Your hugs, tears, kisses and laughter gave my life a whole new realm of meaning. You are literally a wish that came true.

Clare, this I want you to always remember - I will never ever be the perfect Dad, but with God's guidance and Mommy's love and support, I will always strive to be one.

Love,
Daddy David

David Medallo is a 30-year old IT and sales professional married to his amazing wife Chiqui and a proud father to the most adorable 10-month old, Clare Daenerys, who wears 3-year old sized leggings. 

The Lessons We Teach Our Kids

We went to mass this morning, and while we were at the side of the church, I noticed that my eldest daughter was preoccupied with something. She kept picking flowers and putting them on the ground making a trail. I didn't bother asking her what she was doing as I was trying to focus on the mass. When she was done, she had a triumphant smile and said, "Jesus will be very happy." I was surprised with what she said so I asked her why, and she replied "Because I scattered flowers for him."

It took me a few minutes to realize why she had done that. I recalled reading to her the story about Jesus and the children in one of our Bible Friends books. The kids scattered flowers and waved palm branches while singing Hosanna as Jesus entered the town of Jerusalem. I knew she loved that story because there were lots of kids in the picture (and she even said, "Mommy, look! The kids are not wearing any shoes.") and it showed that Jesus was happy talking to the little children.

I couldn't help but feel a little bit of relief after that. I mean, as parents, we always wonder if we're raising our kids well. Apart from making sure they're well-fed and safe and healthy every day, we think of the things that we teach our children. We ask ourselves if we're providing them with the right lessons and experiences that they need to grow up as good, responsible and compassionate human beings.

We all have those moments. As a stay at home mom, I always ask myself if I'm teaching my kids well. Are they learning enough for their age? Should I be more proactive in teaching them how to read? Should I read to them more? Are they having too much screen time? Can they already tell good from bad? Are they learning about their faith? Should I stop them from watching Peppa Pig? 

I smiled a little and thought, "Of all the lessons that I try to teach you, anak, I'm glad that you remembered that." To make Jesus happy. We pray every night, bring them to church every week, but at the back of my mind, I wonder if my daughters understand our faith and who God is. It's a question that I still don't know the answer to, but hearing my four-year old say what she said a while ago tells me that I should explore that topic more with them.

I don't know why, but I didn't want the encounter to end with her thinking that she has to make a flower trail to make Jesus happy. So after contemplating for a few minutes, while giving her a hug, I told her, "You know what will make Jesus happy? It's when you pray and you love your sister and be good to other people." I know it's not the perfect thing to say, but I guess it's a good start.

A little while after that, our youngest daughter walked up to me and my husband, and hugged our legs and said, "I love you guys!" And I thought to myself, I don't know if I'm teaching them well all the time, but I know I taught them something good.