The inconvenient truth about being a stay-at-home mom

So here I am again.  A sleep-deprived, exhausted, but still happy, now mom of three. 

I thought that because I am on maternity leave (that I imposed on myself as a work at home mom), I would have a lot of time to write and blog. But who was I kidding? 

Because now, my day revolves around (in no particular order) breastfeeding baby number three, waking up in the middle of the night to do nappy change, taking care of the girls,  making sure they are bathed or at least fed, getting them ready for their summer activities (which I thought would give me more free time but no), restoring order to our space several times a day, and helping my post-partum body recover (have I told you that giving birth to my son literally had me “shookt?” I’ll write about my birthing story another time).

So my hands are always full. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get any support. I’m blessed to have a husband who doesn’t complain when I wake him up during the wee hours to change our newborn’s diaper. And our families have been great. We have an awesome support system who cooks for us and looks after the girls as much as they can. But I guess being Mama Bear means wanting to do most, if not everything for them. 

Photo by Tanaphong Toochinda on Unsplash

One of my friends asked me how I was doing being a stay at home mother of three. Of course, I opted to answer in a humorous fashion. I don’t know, but there’s something funny about a mom who's all over the place. That’s why movies like Bad Moms were such a hit. I also thought about doing a vlog with the use of Instagram Stories to show what I do the whole day, but I reckoned no one would want to watch a video of me in my pjs, with breastmilk leaking on my shirt while endlessly yelling at my kids to fix their toys or stop jumping on the couch. But I couldn't bear to tell my friend, a new mom, the whole truth.

So here's the truth. Or rather, some truths. 

The truth is being a stay-at-home mom is exhausting. Looking after each child with different needs, and having an endless list of things to do around the house can wear a momma out.  You may see that I do a lot of sitting, but not without an infant in my arms, latching endlessly on my breasts. And whenever I put him down, I squeeze in a chance to check on his Ates, fix their hair and cater to their needs until the baby demands my undivided attention again.  

From the moment I wake up, my mind is already preoccupied. Even when I'm physically tending to one kid, I'm thinking of the other two ...

Because another ugly truth is that it makes me feel guilty. Guilty that I'm neglecting at least one of my children. I've snapped at my eldest a few times for not being able to do things on her own. It makes me feel bad that I can't always attend to her, so I'm rushing her to become more independent. I'm guilty of using the iPad to entertain my girls when I can't play with them because their brother needs me. I'm also guilty of being so easily agitated. At times I snap at my husband for, can you believe it, sleeping. Even though I know he has to go to work in the morning and is doing his best to (stay awake and) help out.

But despite being sleep-deprived, exhausted and an emotional mess, the inconvenient truth about being a stay-at-home mom is that I wouldn't trade this job for anything else. 

An excerpt from Bunmi Laditan's Confessions of a Domestic Failure.

Taking care of a newborn, a potty training toddler, and a sensitive preschooler all at the same time is hard. All the mess, the breastfeeding struggles and never ending to-do list can drain all your energy, and you're already running on a few hours of sleep. It's overwhelming, but the truth is I've never felt more productive.

And to be so present in this specific time of their lives; breastfeeding my baby in the wee hours of the night, knowing that he won't need me as much as he does now. Listening to my three-year old make up songs and entertain me with her natural sense of humor, and engaging in more meaningful conversations with my firstborn, watching her own unique personality unfold right before my eyes. These are priceless moments I want all to myself.

I think this is what my older mom friends mean when they tell me to enjoy this time when my children are still young. When their world revolve around me, and my life around them. Borrowing the words of author Bunmi Laditan who wrote the amusing novel Confessions of a Domestic Failure, when I'm with them, I feel smothered. And when I'm not with them, I feel incomplete. Like a piece of me is missing. 

That's the truth. As stay-at-home moms, we complain about how hard our life is. But when people around us say, "If you hate it so much, why don't you get a job?" We say no. Because nobody can do this job (being our kids' mother) better than us, and really, the ultimate reason is just that we love what we do. 

So cheers to us, stay-at-home moms! 

P.S. Another truth is that the distinction among mothers (working moms, stay-at-home moms, work-at-home moms) is only physical. Because in our hearts, we all just want the same thing- what's best for our children. And that makes us all amazing. Happy Mothers' Day to us!

My Big 3