Is there really such a thing? Or is it just a myth that all of us moms beat ourselves up to becoming?
When I was pregnant with my first child, I read up on a lot of books and articles to best prepare me on being a mother. I was very sure on the things I would do - breastfeed (for at least three months, I told myself), use only cloth diapers for the baby, listen to classical music while the baby was in my womb, going all organic on my baby - everything to ensure that she would have the best, most perfect life possible. Then I gave birth and for a second, it seemed like I did just that. I felt that I was becoming the supermom that I was destined to be (yeah yeah, #blessed, I know). It sure looked like that on the outside.
But the truth was, I had a lot of help. I never would have been able to do all those things for my daughter if not for my husband, our families and all those groups I joined on Facebook. My husband supported my decision of being a stay at home mom, and my own mother helped me a lot; she would wake up in the wee hours of the morning and feed Nash with my expressed milk so that I could get more sleep and cooked and mashed veggies for Nash when she was ready to eat solids. We hired a helper to wash the cloth diapers, and my in-laws would watch the baby so that I can have a few hours to go to the gym. I will always be grateful to them for the help, but even more for their support and respect for our decisions on how we want to raise our children .
Social media taught me a lot too; I got so much information about breastfeeding, and cloth diapers and weaning from the support groups I joined on Facebook. I recently came across a really interesting article on Time Magazine entitled, "Help! My parents are millennials." It somehow compared parenting in this generation to the previous ones. It also revealed an interesting reality: while parents of all ages are most likely to turn to their own parents for advice, millennials cast their net to Facebook, Twitter, blogs and apps. That was certainly true in my case.
But there is also a downside to it. If you want to bring out the insecurities of a person, social media really works. And I think, next to teenagers, moms are the next ones most affected by what they see and read online. With almost every milestone of our kids' lives documented on Facebook or Instagram, we go to great lengths to make sure our kids "measure up" to those imaginary standards we have set in social media. We make sure their outfits are well-coordinated for their #babyootd, we bring them to the "it" play places in the metro, take lots of pictures and post it on Facebook, and fill our timelines with short anecdotes of how cute and brainy they are. Hey, I'm not against anything like this, okay? I love reading about your "conversations" with your little ones. It's cute, I agree.
But it's not just about the kids; it's more about us, how we want the world to see us as moms. We cyber-stalk some of our fellow mommy friends just to see what they're up to, how they are with their kids and sadly, we come up with conclusions on what kind of mother they are based on what we see on Facebook or Instagram. We scrutinize and pick on every tiny flaw that we see in them as if that gives us some sort of validation that they aren't perfect after all. What is it, really? Is it our own insecurities reflecting back at us, making us feel a little better knowing that we're not the worst mother around and somebody else might be doing a worse job than us? If that gives us satisfaction, then we must really be more twisted than we think.
While it's admirable that we want to give the best and be our best selves to our children, the truth is there's no such thing as a perfect mother. You can be the best in this certain "parenting skill," but somewhere out there, or maybe even in our own social media circle, there will always be someone who is better than you at something else; someone who can pump and store more milk, someone whose kids are already reading or potty-trained, someone who was able to shed the baby weight in a snap and always looked put-together, someone who can do the bento food art like a boss (one day, I'll be able to do that too) and someone who can (insert your insecurity here) better than you. It's exhausting just to keep track at which mom is doing better than you at something. But I bet you have something in common with this person - you're both hell-bent on being the best mother you can be to your children. So why the hate?
I'm not saying we should all stop trying. What I'm saying is that we have to stop comparing ourselves to other moms out there. Stop the judging and the "mommy-shaming" and be kind. Be kind to other mothers in your area and your social media circle. We are all in this together. But most important of all, be kind to yourself. It's okay if you're not perfect.
I am so far from being perfect. In the three years that I have been a mother to two girls, my parenting status/philosophy went from "Only the Best" to "Kaliwali," which is a favorite Arabic word among Pinoys in the Middle East meaning "Let it be" or "Never Mind." All those parenting no-nos from books have gone out the window and just focusing on what works as we go along. But on a really random day, my three-year old daughter came up to me and told me, "Mom, you're the best" with matching thumbs up sign. I'm don't know if she really understood what that meant, but coming from her, I'd take that compliment at any given day. Coming from her, it sure sounded a whole lot better than perfect.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I read up on a lot of books and articles to best prepare me on being a mother. I was very sure on the things I would do - breastfeed (for at least three months, I told myself), use only cloth diapers for the baby, listen to classical music while the baby was in my womb, going all organic on my baby - everything to ensure that she would have the best, most perfect life possible. Then I gave birth and for a second, it seemed like I did just that. I felt that I was becoming the supermom that I was destined to be (yeah yeah, #blessed, I know). It sure looked like that on the outside.
But the truth was, I had a lot of help. I never would have been able to do all those things for my daughter if not for my husband, our families and all those groups I joined on Facebook. My husband supported my decision of being a stay at home mom, and my own mother helped me a lot; she would wake up in the wee hours of the morning and feed Nash with my expressed milk so that I could get more sleep and cooked and mashed veggies for Nash when she was ready to eat solids. We hired a helper to wash the cloth diapers, and my in-laws would watch the baby so that I can have a few hours to go to the gym. I will always be grateful to them for the help, but even more for their support and respect for our decisions on how we want to raise our children .
Social media taught me a lot too; I got so much information about breastfeeding, and cloth diapers and weaning from the support groups I joined on Facebook. I recently came across a really interesting article on Time Magazine entitled, "Help! My parents are millennials." It somehow compared parenting in this generation to the previous ones. It also revealed an interesting reality: while parents of all ages are most likely to turn to their own parents for advice, millennials cast their net to Facebook, Twitter, blogs and apps. That was certainly true in my case.
But there is also a downside to it. If you want to bring out the insecurities of a person, social media really works. And I think, next to teenagers, moms are the next ones most affected by what they see and read online. With almost every milestone of our kids' lives documented on Facebook or Instagram, we go to great lengths to make sure our kids "measure up" to those imaginary standards we have set in social media. We make sure their outfits are well-coordinated for their #babyootd, we bring them to the "it" play places in the metro, take lots of pictures and post it on Facebook, and fill our timelines with short anecdotes of how cute and brainy they are. Hey, I'm not against anything like this, okay? I love reading about your "conversations" with your little ones. It's cute, I agree.
But it's not just about the kids; it's more about us, how we want the world to see us as moms. We cyber-stalk some of our fellow mommy friends just to see what they're up to, how they are with their kids and sadly, we come up with conclusions on what kind of mother they are based on what we see on Facebook or Instagram. We scrutinize and pick on every tiny flaw that we see in them as if that gives us some sort of validation that they aren't perfect after all. What is it, really? Is it our own insecurities reflecting back at us, making us feel a little better knowing that we're not the worst mother around and somebody else might be doing a worse job than us? If that gives us satisfaction, then we must really be more twisted than we think.
While it's admirable that we want to give the best and be our best selves to our children, the truth is there's no such thing as a perfect mother. You can be the best in this certain "parenting skill," but somewhere out there, or maybe even in our own social media circle, there will always be someone who is better than you at something else; someone who can pump and store more milk, someone whose kids are already reading or potty-trained, someone who was able to shed the baby weight in a snap and always looked put-together, someone who can do the bento food art like a boss (one day, I'll be able to do that too) and someone who can (insert your insecurity here) better than you. It's exhausting just to keep track at which mom is doing better than you at something. But I bet you have something in common with this person - you're both hell-bent on being the best mother you can be to your children. So why the hate?
I'm not saying we should all stop trying. What I'm saying is that we have to stop comparing ourselves to other moms out there. Stop the judging and the "mommy-shaming" and be kind. Be kind to other mothers in your area and your social media circle. We are all in this together. But most important of all, be kind to yourself. It's okay if you're not perfect.
I am so far from being perfect. In the three years that I have been a mother to two girls, my parenting status/philosophy went from "Only the Best" to "Kaliwali," which is a favorite Arabic word among Pinoys in the Middle East meaning "Let it be" or "Never Mind." All those parenting no-nos from books have gone out the window and just focusing on what works as we go along. But on a really random day, my three-year old daughter came up to me and told me, "Mom, you're the best" with matching thumbs up sign. I'm don't know if she really understood what that meant, but coming from her, I'd take that compliment at any given day. Coming from her, it sure sounded a whole lot better than perfect.
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