Letters to Kawaii - long read, but it's too good not to share.

I can't believe it's been a year since I gave birth to my second child, my daughter Kawaii.  She's just a great ball of happiness to our family.  

To celebrate her birthday, I'm sharing with you guys my first three letters to Kawaii.  They're so special because I see my journey unfolding with every letter.  All the excitement, all the fears, the rollercoaster of emotions.  Ah, motherhood.  

To Kawaii, my beautiful surprise, my spunky little darling, Happy Birthday and Mommy loves you so much.  


July 16, 2014

Dearest Baby Kawhi,

Hi! How are you my little champ? I pray everyday that you are doing well inside my tummy. Like I told your Ate before, feel free to move around my tummy and make yourself comfortable. Let Mommy worry about the rest.

My child, you came as a surprise to us; unexpected, yet a very lovely and welcome one. I just want to take this moment to tell you that. Although we haven't planned on having another baby this early, it's important for you to know that we're very happy you're here and we love you no less than if you come two, five or ten years later.

You are one of our biggest blessings and we love you so much.  I can't wait to hear your heartbeat again, or see you in ultrasound and find out if you're a boy or a girl. But regardless of your gender, know that you have a Mommy, a Tatay and Ate who loves you very, very much.

November 5, 2014

Dear Kawaii,

As I write this, I can feel you moving around inside of me.  You're not a shy one.  You always make your presence felt when you're awake.

My darling, I just want to tell you that I love you.  Even though I still don't know yet to what extent, but I know in my heart that I do.  You've occupied a piece of my heart that will only be yours.  And I want to say I'm sorry. If I ever made you feel that you are less than what you really mean to us.  A dream come true. A beloved daughter. An answered prayer.  

I'm sorry if how we welcomed you was less than enthusiastic. I'd be lying if I told you that we planned for you; we didn't. But we dreamed for you. At least I know I did, deep in my heart.  I wanted another little girl like your Ate.  

I'm sorry for the little discomforts that you feel whenever I had to carry your sister, or when she unknowingly shoves her elbow or foot in my tummy. I don't want you feeling hurt in any way, and your Ate already knows you and loves you.  I will make sure that she cares for you and protects you as long as the two of you live.  

Sometimes I feel that you keep moving around just to get my attention. I'm sorry if you ever feel that it is lacking. Or maybe I'm just feeling guilty.  Or anxious, that no matter what I do, I can never be fully prepared for you.  Nevertheless, please forgive me for being distracted and not being brave enough.  Thank you for being the brave and the strong one.  

Please forgive Mommy anak.  For all my shortcomings.  And thank you for fighting for us, for our family.  I know someday, I will live in a world where I cannot imagine life without you.  And that's all because you fought to be here with us, despite my weakness.  

Please stay strong for us, Kawaii.  Stay healthy and safe inside Mommy's tummy.  I promise you that we will protect and love you as much as we can and as long as we live.  I can not promise to be fair with you and your sister, but I promise that I will love you deeply and passionately with all of my heart, because that's how a mother loves.  

See you after Christmas my darling girl.

January 19, 2015

Dear Kawaii,

You turn a week old as I write this. You were born on January 12, 2015 at 4:06 in the afternoon.  Your big sister got sick early in the morning so we had to attend to her.  That was when I felt that I was starting labor.  So we rushed to the hospital. We were expecting a normal delivery but there were several complications that we had to resort to a C-section.  We paid more than we were hoping for, but you were definitely worth it. 

We named you Lilian Amanda - Lilian which symbolizes purity, and Amanda which means "worthy of love." If I had any doubts about the love I would have for you before, it's all gone now.  The moment you locked eyes with mine, and you sucked milk from my breasts (we're having some struggles with that now, but we're working on it),  I knew in my heart that you are mine.  A part of me.  My daughter. There's no way that I could love you less.  

People say you're a spitting image of your Ate.  It's true,  you both are beautiful. How did we get so lucky? But you also have your own beauty, your own personality.  You've got spunk.  Your Ate kind of knew she was our princess the moment she was born. But you, I sense you're more of a fighter. You demand, you kick, you cry (wail!) when you need us. You may be second-born, but you will never be second best.  I love you and your Ate the same special unconditional way.  

I love you so much my darling.  Thank you for showing me that it's possible for my heart to really grow bigger.  I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, Ate Nashie and Tatay.  

Love, 

Mom